Saskia.... nice story.
Can I encourage you to break it into separate paragraphs, it would make it a lot easier to read. I appreciate that, for someone not used to writing, it can be hard. A good starting point is to take a breath and read the story. You'll soon find that, after a sentence or three, you brain tells you to pause just there, and take a breath... and often that is a place for a new paragraph.
Also, it is traditional that when the story has people talking, you put the next person's words into a new paragraph.
Or maybe you are moving on to a new idea, a new thought, again, a place for a new paragraph. I'm guessing that BF2015 might do this for you.
Funnily enough
It's the complete opposite problem
Of many young people
Who are used to chatting
When they use very short sentences..
And paragraphs!
When you read other stories, look how they use paragraphs to split things.... ok, different people will do things slightly differently, that's just personal style.
But please do keep writing.... to be honest, I'd rather have a story with no paragraphs, than no story at all.
Also (and I keep getting told this, as i find it frustrating too!) Don't worry if you don't always get feedback on your stories, most people are "consumers", and feel awkward commenting. Just keep an eye on the number of thread views.
And don't worry to much about story content... if you get any form of enjoyment from the actual writing, then why worry about what others think.... but I'll guarantee there will people out there reading and enjoying your story, whether it's about braces or not.
Think of a murder story, in a book or on tv, there will be many bits that are about "building the story background", that are not 100% related to the main thread of the story, but they make the whole thing more interesting.
(So having said that, I need to reinstate some of the bits I wasn't going to include in my current story!!)
Keep up the writing, only stop if the fun stops!