Lara- Chapter 1............. Cause and Effect
Present day
Traffic was busy as usual in the crisp spring morning air. The dew on her windows had evaporated by the time she was on the highway. The radio forecasted a promising day with a warm afternoon. On a normal day, Lara would have been on her way to work, greeted by her co workers with pleasant smiles and friendly comments. They had been very supportive over the last 2 years, working hard for her while at the same time understanding that there were good days, and bad ones as well. This morning however was not going to be a normal day. She was going to have her braces removed, and after this long, it was an event that she thought about frequently. The big question though, the one in fact that kept her up at night, was whether she wanted this day to come at all.
It was more than just getting used to people looking at her all the time, and it was definitely more than loving the feel of the jewelry stuck to her teeth, but in fact she feared that they had become part of her, and no easier to detach than her arm would be. She had grown with them, and because of them. They had come to represent everything she loved about individuality, and the longer she kept this secret from her friends, the more of a tingle she got from smiling at a handsome stranger. She no longer felt the need to be with anyone, as long as she had her secret to hide. Of course hiding a full set of braces and the tingle she felt was not incredibly easy, but the result was just as satisfying as anything else she had ever experienced. Just as she was becoming at one with this side of herself, it was all going to end. A whole new stage of life was before her, and it seemed just as unsettling as the last one. Traffic was thinning out, and she was cruising in her own lane now. Lara turned up the radio to stay alert, but her mind quickly fell back into daydream. Two years had gone by, but she would never forget that day..
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2 years ago:
I looked up and realized that my life was going to change. Never again would I feel like my old self, which wasn't entirely a bad thing. I never felt like the world understood me, or paid attention to the person inside. Society was full of people who were shallow that way, and beauty seemed somewhat limited to the few who met the standards of the masses. Those people never actually considered beauty, but swallowed the images that many forms of media fed them. I had to live in this world, but I never accepted it. My visions of beauty remained my own; or so I thought.
I opened my mouth and let the dentist examine it. I was hoping that this one, who came highly recommended, would provide me with a treatment plan that made sense. Previous doctors had looked at my situation and given theories that I didn't like, even though they had obviously been practicing for years. Dr. Spencer gave his opinion, and it made sense to me. My treatment would begin as soon as possible, and take a couple of years to complete. I was to start with braces on the top teeth, and apparently a wire of some kind on the bottom. He wanted to use a headgear at night also, and just the sound of that made me a little nervous. I was not looking forward to the attention that I knew was inevitable, however I wanted to finally see it through. The doctor went on to explain the costs and commitments involved, trying to convince me that it was not a decision to be taken lightly. I was after all considered an adult patient being in my twenties. At the end of the consultation, I still felt determined to proceed with the treatment, but not any less scared.
I had a month to prepare myself for the treatment ahead of me, which I definitely needed. I had spent most of the last few years on my own, however there were other things to consider. I had worked very hard over the last few years, finally becoming a manager in my department. It was a small company way back when I started, which gave me the opportunity to advance quickly, and make use of my skills and education. I was in charge of the department that ran testing on new medical equipment, and there was rarely a moment without a deadline or a new project to focus on. I got along quite well with most of the people in my department. Many of them were around my age, and I was hoping that the sudden shock of seeing me with braces, wouldn't change how they saw me as their leader.
I was also preparing for another few years being single. I was used to being alone, with the exception of an occasional date, and dinner with some friends, but I was fairly certain that having braces on my teeth would kill any further chance I had of meeting someone. As far as the braces themselves, I had reluctantly decided to go with the metal brackets instead of the clear ones. This was not an easy compromise to make, however the braces were expensive enough without adding additional expenses. Dr. Spencer also felt more comfortable using metal brackets on more extreme cases, such as mine. Needless to say I was not looking forward to seeing how they looked on me.
The big day came, and my appointment was in the late afternoon. A few of my co workers wished me luck, even though they weren't sure what kind of work I was having done. It was rare for me to be leaving work early, so there was a curious buzz in the air. I was supposed to be in a meeting at the end of the day, but I wasn't sure how long the procedure would take. I had someone cover for me, and I took the rest of the day off .
Nearing the doctors office, I took one final look at my teeth in the rearview mirror and sighed. Nothing on my body up to this point had ever caused me so much angst. I had learned to hide my large front teeth, avoiding smiling as best I could. People often got the wrong impression when speaking to me. They would assume because I never smiled, that I didn't like them or what they were saying. I kept thinking how great it would be to smile one day, at everyone who spoke to me. Fixing my teeth was something I never thought could happen, but thanks to hard work and patience, it soon would.
My life was about to change, and I was ready for it, no matter how rocky it got. Dr. Spencer came into the room, and greeted me. Sweat was already starting to form in my palms. After I assured him that I was ready, he turned on his light. I put my head back and closed my eyes.
Lara- Chapter 2...................The Chair
Continued in the past
Lying back in the chair with the warmth of the bright light shining down on my face, I was in a state of bewilderment. There were too many things going through my mind...would it hurt?... what would it feel like?... and, how ridiculous would I look? I always considered myself somewhat attractive, if it weren't for my stupid teeth!
I opened my eyes and looked around the room, trying to fend off the impending doom in my mind. It was pleasant enough, soft colours caressed the walls, pleasant little landscape pictures hung in just the right places. I had obviously been there before, but I never really took a look around, my mind was too focused on what Dr. Spencer was saying at the time. The small feeling of tranquillity that I was feeling moments before, vanished like the speed of light when my eyes fell upon the little tray he placed next to my chair.
I was shocked and amazed, and my heart started racing. How could these objects lying beside me actually be used on a human being? They looked like something out of a science fiction movie. Small wires, and other instruments that I couldn't even imagine a use for, were all there in front of me. My heart started palpitating, my palms became cold and clammy, even more than they were originally. Just as I was going to run like the wind with no turning back, Dr. Spencer came back in and sat on the swivel chair right next to me...and suddenly I knew I that it was going to happen!
I felt like shackles were being placed around my wrists and ankles. He rested his hand on my shoulder and looked somewhat sympathetically into my eyes, not in a way that would make me uncomfortable, but more.. calming. I began feeling a little more relaxed as he went through the procedure, although I still had a concern over what all those "utensils" were for. I was so confused! His voice was so soothing but I still wasn't sure what to expect.
He asked me casually to lie and back relax, which seemed like an impossible request. I got as comfortable as I could, and he asked me to open my mouth. Again, the whirlwind of emotion came flooding back. I started to be more concerned with trivial little things, like how my breath was.. I started breathing through my nose in short choppy gasps. He proceeded with caution, first applying the lip spreaders, and then some cotton swabs. As he began, I closed my eyes, my heart started to beat wildly. I tried to think of something else, anything, but it failed. I tried to focus on a good song but it was interrupted with what sounded like a drill. With my eyes closed, I could only try to figure out what the all the sounds were, and what was happening in my mouth.
I heard Dr. Spencer's voice, almost drowned out by the high pitched whirling sound, explain that he was going to prepare the surface of my teeth as to make the cement adhere better. I took a deep breath and clenched the arms of the chair. I was so preoccupied with the noise, that the silence was almost deafening when the it stopped. He rinsed my mouth with what seemed to be the coldest water ever made. I had never been aware of my teeth to that extreme before, and it seemed as if every nerve in my mouth was screaming, not out of pain, but pure sensation. A strange scent flew past my nose. I wanted to open my eyes and see what it was, but I was afraid to look. The whole situation had me terrified already, and I didn't want to make it worse. I felt a cold dab on my back tooth, and within seconds, realized that it was the cement. My hands clenched the chair even harder, my white fingers cramping up. I heard the doctor ask the assistant for a bracket, and he placed it gently on my tooth. I could feel it being sucked into the glue like dirt into a vacuum, which was unnerving but fascinating at the same time. The same thing happened with each bracket. A hot wave crept over my face, as he continued.
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With the last bracket in place, and the cement dry, he removed the lip spreader and cotton. "Thank God, it's over", I thought I opened my eyes and assumed that we were nearly done.
"We just need to attach the archwire, and your all set." as he picked up something off the tray.
As I opened my mouth, I could feel the bare brackets scratching at the inside of my lips, a whole new set of questions stampeded my mind. How am I going to open and close my mouth?...How will I eat?..How will I...kiss? "Stop it Lara!"I thought. Never before was I so consumed with the immediate future. He started to place the wire into my mouth. The tugging and pulling of elastics around each bracket felt like my teeth were going to cave in. My jaw started to ache as he clipped the wire at the back of my mouth. I was grateful that he only installed the upper braces that day.
"There, did you want to rinse?". He directed me to the sink where I pumped some mouthwash into a small paper cup. This came as a relief, because I had a residual cement taste in my mouth that was very bitter. I tried to move the liquid around in my mouth but the hard objects scratching against the walls of my mouth were almost unbearable. "This is going to be fun," I thought sarcastically to my self, and turned toward the doctor for instruction, hoping I could leave
"Did you want to have a look?"his hand directing me towards the mirror.
"Umm..." I looked towards the mirror and my heart filled with angst. "No!", I thought. I had no interest in ever seeing a mirror again. My eyes went to the doctor, and he looked at me with obvious pride in his work. I felt again the invisible restraints, pulling me towards my reflection. As I reached the mirror I kept my head down. I slowly started looking up, only with my eyes at first, then with my neck. I thought heart was going to explode. I tried to look at the reflection of the room rather than me, but I saw the doctor's enthusiasm, and I felt the pressure to continue..
My eyes shifted now, looking at myself, lips tightly closed. How could I do this? There was a slight bulge of my lips, it was actually quite difficult to keep them closed. My lips started aching from the strain and fatigue, and began to loose their grip. They crept open a little, exposing a small twinkle shining through. With eyes still on me, I cowardly opened my lips all the way. I could no longer see any of my upper teeth, only shadows of what they use to be. Metal was all that was really noticeable, and I felt faint. I couldn't get any air into my lungs, and after living through all the anxiety for over an hour, I think my heart finally stopped. Despite all this heartache, there was something else I was feeling. I couldn't figure out what it was, and I was in no shape to figure it out. I was suddenly snapped back into reality.
"So, what do you think?" I turned around almost dizzy and disoriented.
"Umm, O.K... I guess..."
"How could he ask such a question?" I thought. My life is changed, I don't know what I'm going to do, and he's asking what I think!!!
He asked me to make an appointment for next month, and handed me a plastic case with my headgear in it. The assistant made sure that I knew how to use it at night, and told me that I could wait a week before using it. That was a bit of a relief, and I tucked it safely into my briefcase. With the invisible restraints untied, I made my way to the door. I heard a faint "See you soon!" echoing behind me, as the door closed. I couldn't turn to acknowledge, I was to focused on what was to come and this strange feeling that was slowly washing over me. I walked out to my car, with my head down, looking at no one.
"Thank God I can go home" I thought, as I closed the car door.
I left the office building trying to keep my mouth closed. Immediately I felt like everyone was going to drop everything and look right at me. I couldn't believe that I'd put myself into such a predicament, already feeling faint just getting to my car. What had I done?, I kept thinking as all my false bravery left my mind. There were people at work who had gone through this ordeal many years ago. To them, getting braces would seem like a quick return to more immature and well forgotten times. I started to fear again the dreaded thoughts of youth, and the ridicule of people who had no choice but to mask there own insecurities with the exploitation of someone else's'. All I could do was hope my friends were more sympathetic.
I pulled out of the parking spot and lined up behind a few other cars to pay the parking attendant. My hands were shaking as I fumbled through my purse for loose change. I noted the helpful pamphlets on "how to care for your braces" stuffed in my briefcase next to the headgear bag. I wondered how many teenagers just simply throw them away as soon as they leave the office. I opened the window and tried to look cold and unfriendly. Preparing to be spoken to, I fought to hide the panic starting in my mind.
"Three fifty please" was spouted out in my direction.
I handed over the first bill that I could find, the whole time keeping my lip muscles clenched tightly over the obstacles on my teeth. As the attendant handed me the change, I had a feeling that he was looking at me. I nearly grabbed it right out of his hand, thinking only of taking my foot of the brake and getting out of there. A few seconds later, the gate went up and I was free. At least for the moment.
The radio came on again as soon as I reached the highway. I was concentrating a little harder on driving this time because I knew there would be thoughts racing through my mind every second. Suddenly, there was another distraction, one which I was not prepared for. The experience with the parking attendant had left me feeling frazzled and nervous, but also a little excited. I could have sworn that for a brief second in the doctors office, I had felt the same thing. Almost involuntarily, the tingle came, and it simply did not make any sense to me at all. I was feeling quite a bit of stress over the whole issue, and it didn't seem possible to feel anything else. And yet there it was, a tingle, and in the most unlikely place. I forced myself to concentrate on the road but two minutes later, the growing tension in my mouth distracted me again. I ran my tongue over the whole mess and found everything quite unfriendly. I was shocked at how foreign my mouth seemed. My lips did not seem up to the task of hiding the new collection of metal and elastics. Instead there were protruding barriers determined to reshape my mouth. A foreign taste returned on my tongue, which I figured to be the glue on my teeth. I remembered the little bottles set up in the doctors room, each of them neatly placed within arms reach of the big chair. I wondered if they all had different tastes. I also wondered if the doctor was a neat freak. The office seemed immaculate, even for a dentist.
My daydream was interrupted once again when my phone rang. I quickly made note of where I was, and answered.
"Hello"
"Hi Lara, sorry to bother you, we thought we'd try your cell phone"
"What's going on?"
"Do you think you can make it back for the meeting?, everyone's asking me"
"Is it urgent?"
"Well, I think your the only one who can clear up some details about the new project"
"OK, I'm only about twenty minutes away"
"Thanks a lot Lara, how are you feeling?"
"Not bad, but I'll feel better when the day is over"
"Won't be to long now I'm sure"
"OK, I ‘ll see you soon"
So on top of everything else, I now had a distinctive whistle. What was I thinking! It always amazed me that I could never seem to say no when it came to work. Now I was going to have to face everyone without any time to adjust. I was beginning to regret ever getting up that day.
I got to work 20 minutes later. I reapplied my lipstick using the rearview mirror. When I opened my mouth, the reflection was still very shocking. As I got out of my car, and grabbed my briefcase, I was interrupted by another sensation. Was I losing my mind?! How could I be this stressed and yet feel excited at the same time. It was like being drunk on an unknown substance, that surfaced when it wanted to. All the way to the front door, butterflies were flying around my stomach and slowly moving south. I couldn't remember the last time I felt those particular sensations, and I was lost as to why I was feeling them now. My heels clicked on the way up to the front door, and I could feel my pulse start to rise. A cold sweat iced its way from under my arms, as I opened the front door of the building. Never before had I put so much determination into one day. The door closed behind me, and I wished that I could be someone else.
(Continued from present day)
Turning into the parking lot almost made her queasy. The closer she got, the more she wanted to run. Flee far away, with her braces intact. She knew it was impossible, but she looked to comfort herself in some way. All she had to look forward to was a retainer to wear. She didn't even really know what it would look like, however the good doctor had promised something to keep her teeth in check. Lara couldn't imagine it being the same as the beautiful metal that graced her teeth and shone her smile at every unsuspecting stranger who dared her with a grin. She had finally achieved control over the reactions of the people with whom she interacted on a daily basis. She knew their every move and expression before they did. There were no surprises to her anymore, just shallow programmed robots, who would rather laugh, gaze, or look away, than take a close look at what they feared to love. She liked being on the outside, not part of the collective population of unremarkable citizens. This was her greatest fear, as she sat in the doctors chair once again, with one finger stroking the brackets. She wondered if the reaction from her peers would be the same as the day she showed up to work with a metal on her teeth. One of the greatest days of her life, she thought, as she looked over at the nicely placed shelf of supplies. She would have another day like that, in fact almost better. An idea started to take shape, in the wake of her favorite daydream.
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(Continued from the past)
"Oh hi Lara, thanks so much for coming in, I know you had some plans today"
"It's ok, are they waiting for me?" I said keeping my head down
"Yes, I think so" she said looking up, "oh my god, look at you!, you've got braces!"
"Oh , you noticed" I said sarcastically "
Sorry Lara, I didn't mean to stare, it's just different you know"
"You mean shocking right"
"No no, actually I think they're kind of cute, my daughter has them as well"
"Great, we can exchange stories" I said with sarcasm on the mind
"I'll have to tell her, I know she'll be happy to hear that someone older has them too"
"Great, see you in a bit" I said, wanting to be anywhere else.
I went through the rest of the day with people making polite comments, and stupid jokes, all in my direction. Just as I had feared, I became the center of attention and we hardly got any work done. By the end of the day, my teeth and jaw were killing me, and I asked around for a couple of aspirin. A few of the secretaries took pity on me and went rifling through their purses. They claimed they knew all about my pain, because their kids had braces as well. I started to wonder whether I was the only adult on the planet who was foolish enough to go through all this.
The end of the day finally came, and I couldn't wait to get out of there. I wanted to be at home, alone, where I could deal with looking different, without an audience. I re-examined my swollen mouth in the mirror as soon as I got back into my car. It was just as bad as I remembered it. The metal was all over my upper teeth, and stuck out like a shiny beacon. I wanted to cry. I would never be able to hide these things anywhere! And I was supposed to go away soon to the companies trade show. How was I going to do my job seriously, when I looked like a twelve year old. I was already too skinny to have any real form, and braces weren't going to help. All I needed now was a couple of pigtails to finish off the look. I decided that I had better consider some new clothes, and possibly a more mature looking haircut.
I got home and tried for a couple of hours to relax . I wanted to forget everything that had gone on. I drank a protein shake for dinner, after realizing that any solid food was not an option. I got out of my work clothes and into something more comfortable. I spent a little while just watching T.V. and running my tongue over my new braces. Even exploring them gently hurt a little , and I wasn't looking forward to brushing them, or using the headgear. I felt like I needed to talk to someone that might understand what I was going through, and not patronize me with redundant small talk. Immediately, like usual, I thought of Margret. I almost always did at times like this. Whether it was men, family, or work problems, Marg was always a good shoulder to cry on. I made a mental note to go see her that weekend. It had been a good month or so since I had spoken to her, and she was getting on in years.
I later slipped into bed after popping a couple more pills. I had gotten through the first hard day, and I was starting to feel better that the hardest part was over. I knew that I would have to through all of this again for the bottom teeth, but it wasn't going to be nearly as shocking. I closed my eyes and thought of my good longtime friend.
I followed the directions Marg gave me to the nursing home. Sure enough, true to detail, everything she described was precise. Marg had always been meticulous.
I maneuvered the corridors trying to accept the atmosphere. It was a nice place, more of a seniors home rather than a hospital. It was cozy and inviting, but I still couldn't grasp the idea of such a strong and independent woman like Marg having to stay here. Marg had fallen ill several months prior and had to be moved out of her home that she had lived with her elder brother all her life. She need to be monitored continuously and her brother was unfortunately unable to put up with the demands, besides, Marg wouldn't have let him anyway, she never wanted to be a burden on anyone
. I turned a corner and true to the description, there was her "apartment" right next to the big rubber tree she described in her directions. The door was ajar, but I knocked anyway.
"Come in." a chipper voice called. I opened the door slowly and poked my head in.
"Lara! How wonderful to see you, I wasn't expecting you till next week." She got out of her chair and almost bounded across the room. She gave me a hug and immediately asked in a very caring voice, "What's wrong, Lara?" I never did know how she did that. Never fail, when I was growing up she always knew when something was troubling me. I handed her a large bag of jellybeans, her favorite
"What makes you think there's something wrong?"
"I've known you to long for you to pull the wool over my eyes, Little Girl."
I loved it when she called me that, it always made me feel safe, no matter how old I was. She looked at me square in the face and raised an eyebrow
"You seem to have changed your look a bit."
I turned and walked over to the chair next to hers. With a slight sigh I sat, "What am I going to do Marg? What have I gotten myself into? I feel like I can't even go out in public."
"Don't be silly child, your beautiful."
"Well I used think so, but now I just don't know. I feel like a freak, and that's not even all of it."
"Go on."
"Well I can't even make sense of it and I think it's kind of embarrassing." I shyly cocked my head down and I felt a slight warmth over my face.
"Lara have you forgotten who your talking to?" With a gentle slight of hand she raised my chin and it felt like she was looking into my soul. She probably knew the answers to her questions before I even did.
"Well... Oh I don't know. It just doesn't make any sense." Tears of frustration started to well in my eyes. Marg took my hand
"Slowly Dear, slowly. Start at the beginning."
I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. "O.K." I shifted a little in my chair. The warmth of Marg's hand filled me with security. "I though I was doing the right thing getting this procedure, and I guess part of me still feels that way, but my first question, I guess is, how am I to live like this. I feel like everyone is going to point and stare. I hate being the center of attention like that. I feel like such a little kid."
"Go with that, everyone wants to be a kid again!"
"Marg!" I couldn't help but laugh, all the metal glaring off of my teeth.
"Do you feel like you will be better off when your done?"
"I use to, but I don't know if I can wait a whole two years for that."
"Patience, sweetheart all good things come in time." She gave my hand a little squeeze."You do realize that it's because it's so different from what your use to, that you think it's a lot worse than it is?"
"No, it is worse."I said stubbornly with a smile.
"And besides, why should you care if people point and stare? You should know that you are a beautiful, kind, loving woman. I hate to say it but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Were your intentions when getting this done to make everyone else think of you differently, or were you doing it for yourself?"
"Myself, really."
"So, if you are doing this for yourself, should it matter what others think while it's happening?" Marg had a way of putting things into perspective.
"I guess your right."
"You guess?" She gave me a little wink. Marg leaned over to the coffee table to pour some tea,"Next."
"What do you mean?"
She handed me my tea and again grazed into my soul with her eyes.
"O.k.O.k. Your a mean lady."
"Ya, but you love me!" With a slight smirk, she took a sip of tea.
I took a sip of my tea and felt the braces retain for a moment the heat from the liquid, how fascinating! Placing the tea on the table, I got up from the chair and started to pace around the room. Part of me wanted to run and the other part wanted to try and accept help figuring it out. Marg was patiently sipping her tea, she knew me so well. With my back to Marg, I found that I was taking comfort in rubbing my front brackets with my finger. It was oddly soothing. I dropped my hand and with a deep breath, I turned to my old friend.
"Marg, something is happening to me and I can't really explain. Since I had these put on, an odd sensation has been consuming me."
"What do you mean Dear?" a certain enthusiasm overcame her that I wasn't sure how to take. I tried to ignore it.
"I have these...tingles..."
"Really?" she was on the edge of her chair now. I found myself wanting to rub my braces again, but resisted the urge.
"Yes, something's going on. I am finding myself sometimes getting...aroused. Am I going crazy?"
"Not at all. You must explore your feelings child. When you get these feelings, try to figure out where there coming from."
"That sounds too scary" "I didn't say it would be easy, but you must be strong. I have always said that there is no feeling that is wrong, only what you may do with it."
"It's all very nerve racking."
"I know, but I trust that you'll be fine. Besides, when you hit the bumps in the road, you know where to come."
She rose from her chair, patted my knee, and made her way across the room to the bureau. She opened a small jewelry box and routed around. She withdrew her hand holding a small antique key attached to a string of leather. She motioned me to come to her. I slowly walked across the room a little puzzled as to what she was doing.
"Take this key and go to the old house, Donald will let you in. In the attic there is a trunk, this key will hopefully lead you into a new way of thinking and help you down your new path."
I graciously accepted the key although still a little puzzled.
"What's in the trunk?"
"Help."
And with that I knew there was nothing more to ask. For the next little while we chatted about life in the residence and her brother. She had offered me some jellybeans but I declined as I had a faint vision of them getting all "smooshed" in my brackets. After some time a knock came at the door.
"Come in."
"Dinner in fifteen minutes Marg."
"Thanks, Stacey, stay for dinner Lara?"
"Oh, thank you Marg, but I have to go." I held up the key, "I have some exploring to do."
"Good girl. Don't be afraid, I am always with you."
I walked her to the dinning room and found my way back to my car. While I was looking for the car keys I saw the key Marg had given me and thought for a moment of the unknown journey I was about to embark on. I wasn't sure if I was ready, but then I thought of her words lingering in my head. I got in the car and sat for a while rubbing my braces and thinking. With a deep breath I made my way down the road.
(In the past 2 months later)
I had been back to see Dr. Spencer since getting the braces put on, and he assured me everything was looking good. It was a bit of relief to say the least, to know that all my previous effort and anxiety was paying off, and that my teeth were getting better. I sat for another white knuckled session, as he applied braces to my lower jaw as well. I was a little more prepared this time, for all the discomfort and unpleasant noises, that the procedure created. I was now fully braced, and ready to accept a full metal mouth in his favorite mirror. The site was awesome, and I fully expected the wild flow of excitement that came over me. It was a normal occurrence now that I dared not admit to even myself. I began to feel more complete, as I lost any sign of the original boring shade of bare teeth. I couldn't wait to see if I could keep my mouth closed around the whole collection of metal, now glued permanently into my life. I looked at the glue which represented my forced acceptance and tried to imagine how many others stared at that shelf with amazement.
I couldn't help but ask him how he managed to keep everything so organized and immaculate. He complimented his staff, and his desire for cleanliness. I also asked him about the bottles of cement themselves, and he rolled his eyes.
"Those have to be just about the hardest things to keep track of. Sometimes we use more than we should on certain patients, and there's always the danger of running out. I like to keep them out in the open, so we can tell when we're running short".
"Sounds like a good idea" I offered
"Well it's worked so far"
"What's with the different flavors?"
"Those aren't flavors" he said smiling. "One type is permanent glue like you have, and the other is self timing for those younger kids that don't want to wear their appliances. We glue them in with that other bottle of timing epoxy" he explained, "That usually gets them used to the appliance and after that, they tend to wear them no problem" he said with a wink in his eye.
"I see" I said relaxing my smile a bit.
I wrapped up my visit and went home to pack for my business trip, promising to be back in a month. On the way out this time, the parking attendant recognized me and smiled with his perfect young teeth. He had an identification tag on his pocket. Even his picture looked good. The name under it read "Daler". It suited him, he looked like the rugged type who enjoyed the outdoors. I gave a minor grin, without opening my mouth, and went on my way. I knew that one day, without warning he was going to wear me down, but not today. I still needed to hide them.
.........................................
(A few days after)
I had always hated packing. It was so difficult to figure out what to bring along with you. I decided to pack light, considering I was only going away for three days. I had never realized up to that point, how few attractive clothes I owned. My wardrobe consisted of mainly business suits and dress clothes for work. It was like there had never been any interest in expressing myself before, just fitting in. Marg was right, beauty could mean a lot of different things to different people. Just because I had a face full of metal didn't mean that I couldn't be attractive. I started to think that if I tried hard enough, maybe someone would look my way. The interest would probably continue until I opened my mouth, but that was at least better than nothing. I was getting a little better at keeping my lips shut to hide the obvious, and that's usually when by body responded in a special way. I'd get the tingles through my stomach and they would move down slowly to the special place. I loved that feeling, and I always tried to make it last. Marg thought that was an interesting aspect that I should explore, and she always encouraged me to seek out new feelings.
Then it occurred to me. I had a perfect opportunity to try out a "new me", after all I was traveling to the other side of the country. I could think of no better time to be someone else, than while on a trip. The more I thought about it, the more it started to make sense. I knew that Marg would be proud of such an adventurous move. She was always endorsing a little bit of risk, and excitement. I decided that I should probably get some new clothes, to reflect the new side of me waiting to come out. Just thinking about it brought back the tingles again, and I left my packing for later.
I hadn't been out shopping for clothes in quite a while. I'd almost forgot what malls were like, and was very quickly reminded that there were many people out there who probably never thought about anything as much as I had in the last few months. They seemed to walk around caught up only in the moment, never choosing to acknowledge what was going on around them. This reminded me how alone I was, and how different I considered myself to be from the masses. This time though, I wasn't getting depressed about it. I was starting to look at the general public as a different species, and with that came the freedom of ambivalence. I started not to care whether or not they accepted me, or found me attractive. Instead, I was forging my own happiness, and self worth.
I got home to an unpacked suitcase. I had spent a lot more money than I thought I would, but it was worth it. All I planned to take with me, would be "the new me". I was smiling to myself so much about the weekend ahead of me, that I realized if someone was watching, they would have seen every shiny bracket. I went to the mirror, and in a ridiculous display of privacy, started examining every aspect of my recently upgraded sparkling, metallic smile. There was again, that beautiful tingle of butterflies going right though me. I was ready to go, and tomorrow was going to be a very interesting day. After putting on my headgear, I slipped right into bed. I think I probably slept with a smile on my face all night.
(Continued in the past the next day)
The city was beautiful. After the first day of the trade show, I went to look around at some of the sites. I felt like the old Lara the whole time, professional and tame, and hiding myself in a cloak of grey boredom. I walked among the indifferent, emulating their behavior and enthusiasm. Later in the evening I arrived back at the hotel, trying to think of it as just another part of the day. The reality was that nothing I had seen or experienced all day, compared to the anticipation of the night ahead of me. After showering, fixing my hair and doing my makeup, I was ready to test out my new wardrobe. I already knew what I was going to wear, before I chose it. Opening my suitcase, which was filled with a combination of work clothes and my newly acquired ones. My hand reached into the side pocket and pulled out my headgear. My heart wasn't quite that courageous yet, but I laid it on the bed as a subtle reminder. While rubbing my teeth, I thought about the day that I decided to buy the clothes, and the experience in the lingerie store.
............................
I decided that day, that if I was going to assume a new identity, I might as well go all the way. I was always secure in the way I looked, but I wanted to accentuate parts of me that just weren't there. As I was surveying the wall of bras, I came across an item that was designed to increase bust size. Discreetly, I took it off the hanger and slid into one of the change rooms in the back. I removed my shirt and found myself fumbling from excitement. Opening the clasp I placed it over my existing bra. I questioned whether it wound make a significant difference, but I adjusted the straps, and optimistically looked into the mirror.
I thought that if I replaced my shirt, it may help in the visualization. It was a strange experience. I never actually had to stretch a shirt over myself before. I looked into the mirror again, and was surprised at what I saw. My chest looked much larger, and I decided immediately, that I had to have it. I removed the bra, readjusted myself, and made my way to the cash. I was feeling a little uneasy, and for some reason a little self -conscious. My face flushed a little as I placed the item on the counter.
"Did you find everything O.K.?"
Without really looking the sales lady, "Yes, thank you."
I handed her my credit card. For some reason, I had an overwhelming urge to run out of the store. The butterflies were back, and the transaction seemed to take forever. I had to get out of there. Finally she handed me my receipt, and I took off to continue shopping...
.............................
I gently pulled my clothes out of the suitcase. A tight blue skirt and top, followed by the new bra. I looked at all of it lying on the bed, and gave an enthusiastic nod. I began getting dressed slowly and perfectly. I wanted this night of adventure to be, well...perfect.
As I smoothed out the back of my skirt, I made my way to the mirror. I looked up with almost giddy excitement. My new form had taken shape. I slowly caressed my new body with the softest touch. All the new curves were quite exciting, and I found myself getting even more aroused. I looked back up to my face. I had applied my make-up in the usual way but something just wasn't right. I thought about it for a while, turning left and right, trying to figure out what was wrong. It suddenly occurred to me that it was my old make-up spoiling the effect. I quickly washed my face, making sure not to disturb my outfit, and reapplied the make-up that I had purchased months before on a whim. Instead of the basic browns, I applied a sparkling purple shadow across my eyelid, mauve blush, black mascara, and finally a very luscious red lipstick that looked as if it should have been there the whole time. I went back to the mirror and looked again and it was perfect. Only a shadow of what I was hours before remained, and the new Lara was standing there. I wasn't sure how exactly the whole evening was going to play out, but I was damn certain that I would leave the "old me" behind. I grabbed my purse and walked out of the room with a new confidence and a tingle to match.
I made my way to the street and hailed a cab.
"Can you recommend a good nightclub?" I said, looking right at him
"Sure I can, hop in, and I'll take you to M's, it's just few blocks from here"
I got in and the cab driver looked in his rearview mirror, "Looks like you have a big night ahead of you." He pulled the car away from the curb. "
You have no idea." I replied with a slight smirk on my face, just enough to let a small sparkle cross my red lips.
I replayed the "new me" in my head on the way there. I wanted to do this without any hesitation, and I tried as hard as I could, not to get nervous and afraid. I felt that all I needed, was a couple of drinks to relax my nerves. As we pulled up in front of the club, I found my hands slightly trembling trying to find the fare. There was a bit of rain earlier that evening and the lights reflected off the street in a way that felt somehow close to me. I could hear the thumping of the bass coming from inside as I approached the door. I slowly took a deep breath, and walked in. Someone whistled at me from the street, and I suddenly felt like I could handle the rest of the evening. I made my way to a window, to pay the cover charge when the doorman approached.
"Ladies Night . . . No cover." He extended his arm directing me to the bar
"First one's on the house...Have a good time tonight!". I turned to thank him and he gave me a bit of a wink.
"I will, thank you." I said quietly and kept going. I made my way across the floor to the bar.
"What'll it be?" a voice asked redirecting my attention away from the atmosphere
. I was looking around and becoming such a part of it that I lost myself for a moment.
"What'll it be?" the voice came again.
"Oh sorry, loud music!" "I'll have a margarita."
I turned my back and started watching people on the dance floor. I was just starting to enjoy the mood when I felt a slight caress over my shoulder. I almost turned too abruptly, I hadn't been touched by someone in a while, and it shocked me.
"There ya go." He yelled, and I looked down at my purse for my money.
"On the house." He said with a smile.
"Thank you."
I was so distracted that I completely forgot. I handed him a tip anyway offering an ever so small smile, just enough so that he could see a slight twinkle. I took my drink and walked my way through the crowd to the other side of the dance floor. I found it awkward with my new form. I wasn't used to having to moving differently to avoid people. I accidentally brushed up against the back of another woman and found a new sensation running through me. My heart started beating faster as I found a place to stand, trying to keep a clear head. I placed my drink on the ledge next to me and noticed that my hand was shaking again. I took a sip of my drink and looked around the room. There were many people who looked as conservative as my old self. The place was missing a bit of originality, but at least it was busy and loud. The lights were dim, and there was a lot of energy in the room. As I was people watching, I saw one woman standing off in the distance who seemed more unique looking, and she stood out well from the rest of the crowd.
I would look occasionally at the bartender who gave me my drink; busy working, and occasionally getting frustrated. For a while, I could swear he was briefly glancing up at me. I wasn't sure though, he did it very discreetly, and besides, there were a lot of women in his view path. How could I be so arrogant to think that he was looking at me? I took a sip of my drink and looked back at the woman in the corner. She seemed very familiar to me.
They were playing some very good music, and I was starting to dance by myself. I was having a good time when I felt the same type of touch as I did earlier with the bartender. I turned around slowly and there he was, standing in front of me holding a margarita. He bowed his head and handed me the drink with a gentle smile. I graciously took it.
"Thank you." I took a sip.
"I saw you standing here for a while and I thought you may like some company. I'm finished for the night. Do you mind?" "Ummm..." I giggled, "of course not."I tried very hard to keep my lips closed as I talked
"How is it that you're done in the middle of the evening?"
"I wasn't supposed to be here tonight, but got called in, a replacement came in to cover me."
"Sounds complicated."
"Ya. Do you want to dance?"
"I'd love to" I was glad he asked, as it's not as necessary to talk while dancing. We made our way to the dance floor and found a place. The bar was quite busy and there wasn't a lot of room to move. It was obvious that we would be dancing very close to each other ... and others. I hadn't been dancing in quite a long time but I was feeling great; maybe it was the alcohol. The margaritas were going down rather well, and I was starting to lose count. The music was pumping through me and the feeling of having someone as attractive as he was with me just made it better. His hair was short, dark, and spiky, and his face looked like it was chiseled out of stone. He was more attractive than most of my dreams. He placed his hands on my hips and gently moved them around. I put my arms around his shoulders and delicately pulled him closer, my chest ever so slightly caressing his. We danced for while getting closer as the night continued, we took a break to catch our breath.
Many drinks later, I found he was trying to get even closer. He looked as if he wanted to kiss me and seeing as how I was trying to keep from exposing the metal stuck to my teeth, I excused myself quickly and headed to the bathroom.
I passed a certain area and remembered it from when I first saw the woman. She was gone now and I found it unsettling. In a daze, I opened the door to the bathroom, and was nearly run over by someone who was possibly more drunk than I was. When I regained my composure, I heard a voice ask if I was "ok." Her voice was melodic and soothing. I looked up and saw the same woman I spotted earlier. My heart skipped a beat. She was stunning.
"Are you ok?" she repeated.
"Uhh, ya, I'll be fine." I found the words difficult to say.
"Good, I'd hate to have to pick you up off the floor." She turned to the mirror.
I was so captivated that I couldn't help but stare at her. She looked very interesting.
"Not to sound like a freak or anything..." she said while turning on the water, "but I was kind of noticing you earlier."
"Really?" I noticed she had a cast on her arm and wondered how she would wash her hand.
"Ya, I really like your jewelry." She said with a grin. She maneuvered the water gracefully over her fingertips as if the cast was a part of her. How did she know? I thought I had been doing an excellent job hiding them. Before I had time to give it any more thought...
"Do you want to get out of here?" turning off the water.
"What?"
" I asked if you wanted to go somewhere else. Are you sure your O.K.? ,"
"Oh... right, sure let's do that." I was totally intrigued, but I wasn't sure why. It could have been the drinks or just pure fascination, but I almost felt like I had no choice but to follow her. She grabbed my hand with her finger tips and lead me out of the bathroom. The feel of the cold plaster touching my hand sent a new charge of excitement flowing through me, warming me up, from the inside out. She was moving quickly, back through the crowd, making sure not to run into the bartender. I felt kind of guilty leaving, but for some reason she made everything seem ok. We made our way to the street and hailed a cab.
"Where to ladies?"
I got a signal from beside me, and with an odd confidence I turned to the driver, "The Hawley Inn, on Fifth Avenue please."
I figured that it would be as good a place as any to get to know this woman. At that point I realized I still didn't know her name, but it didn't concern me then. She looked at me, nodded and we spent the rest of the drive in silence, her fingertips still holding mine.
......................................
As we were walking down the hall to my room, I could almost sense the headgear calling to me. I became a little flush. I was rummaging around in my purse for the card that opens the door, when the key plopped out and landed next to my new friend's foot. She leaned over and picked it up.
"What's this for?"
"An old friend gave it to me, it's for some kind of trunk." I took it from her and placed it back into my purse delicately. How could I have been so careless with it?
"Have you used it yet?" she said with a curious look on her face.
"Not yet", as we entered the room.
I looked up at her beautiful face. It was difficult not to spill all my secrets right then and there. I started playing with my brackets and tried to think of something to say that wouldn't be too revealing. The truth was that I still hadn't used it, partially because of timing, but mostly out of fear. Fear of what I might find in there and of what I might find in myself.
"I don't even know your name?" I blurted out.
She looked at me with an odd expression of acceptance and security. Again I found it very difficult to hold my tongue about everything that was going on with me.
"Ana, my name is Ana. What's yours?" She gazed at me as if she already knew
"Lara." I didn't really know what to say next, so I decided as a distraction, to order a bottle of wine. Ana sat next to me on the sofa and rested her casted arm on my thigh. I couldn't believe the sensation that came over me. I think I may have squeaked! I knew that she could tell I was excited. There was something about the way she looked at me, but she didn't push.
"Nice to meet you Lara" she said with a confident smile.
A short while later the room service came. Ana asked if I could open the wine, raising her plastered arm.. I understood, and we sat and talked until the wee hours of the morning. I started opening up a little more with her and it was strange, it almost felt like she knew me already. She gave me the same advice that Marg had. Don't worry what other people think, and do what makes you happy.
With that slight boost of confidence, I retrieved my headgear from the bed. Ana watched as I slid the cold bars over my lips, and gently fixed it into position. I sat back on the couch with her and waited for a reaction. She gazed at me with fascinated eyes, and told me I was beautiful. I carefully placed the wine glass under the bow, and took a sip. It was difficult to do with the metal bar in the way, and my lips struggled to contain the liquid. The evening felt great, and I felt like someone was finally on my side. I didn't want it to end.
The rest of the trip was boring in comparison. All I could think about was how good it felt to be around her. She promised to come and see me, and I couldn't wait until her next trip. She gave me her phone number, and I did the same. I wrote it right below my name on her cast.
(Continued from present day)
She came out of the daydream on the tail end of the procedure. Dr. Spencer had been gentle as per usual, only this time, the results were different. Lara's teeth were smooth again. Predictably, she also had to endure the mirror, and self examination. The truth was that she didn't want to see her teeth bare at all. I was a more difficult experience than the first day with the braces on. She felt naked, and remorseful that this day had ever come. She was sure that everyone would once again offer their support and compliments, but inside, half of her was dying.
The alter ego that had come out of the darkness, and into the open, was now screaming in agony. Abandoned and alone, the only free side of herself was once again forced into exile. The mirror was a reminder of her old self, the one who would hide her feelings, and seek out the safest avenue, without even trying. Sure, she felt unique before all of this, but she never acted on it. Her new secret personality was a thousand times more interesting, and she longed become her again.
After complimenting the good doctor on his work, pictures were taken, as well as molds. She was told to come back in two days to pick up her new retainer. Lara agreed, and started to examine the shelf of glue. The doctor and his assistant left the room with the molds of her new straight teeth, and once again Lara was all alone. While running her tongue over her exceptionally smooth teeth, she quickly leaned over and plucked a bottle of cement of the shelf. She dropped her hand back, and inserted it into her gaping briefcase.
Palms sweating and heart beating wildly, she would have to make another subtle pass for the epoxy. Her eyes darted in every direction looking for approaching shadows on the wall, her ears scanned for any noise that might be a person. Her body begun the sway to the left, and she was preparing for the quick stretch she needed, when she heard the unmistakable shuffling of medical clothing. Her reflex snapped her back into position so quickly, that she almost pulled a muscle. She cursed the assistant's presence, and quickly closed the briefcase on her lap.
"OK Lara, we're all done here, see you in a couple of days!"
"OK, thanks" she said with a fake smile.
"You look great, don't forget to smile now!"
"Don't worry, listen, do you think I could keep the braces as a souvenir"
"Sure, take them if you want, we just throw them out anyway"
"Thanks, see you later"
As she drove to the end of the parking lot, she noticed that her friend "Daler" wasn't there. She was glad in a way, that he wouldn't see her like this. The other part of her missed him though. He was now a required part of her life that she looked forward to with every visit. He was the first to affect her, and to make her realize what was inside. Now, all that remained were some smooth naked teeth, and a pit in her stomach. She looked back again, and wished that things could have stayed as they were.
As the parking lot faded in her mirror, Lara gained a new determination. She would have it back. She would have it all back! She drove away as fast as she could. She would have to wait a couple of days, to get the rest of what she needed. Meanwhile she would go see Marg, and spend some time with the one who inspired her.
................................
(6 months ago)
I loved my new life, and everything I had experienced since the trade show. I was able to spend the days being a responsible manager, and raced home to change for my outings at night. They weren't always bars or clubs, sometimes I would simply go shopping, or browse around in public, even malls, were fair game. I loved the attention I would get, and waited to see the reaction to my metal smile. Quite often, men would just turn away, but every now and then, their eyes would open to a new kind of beauty and desire. I wasn't concerned with meeting anyone, in fact I had done just fine alone. I always had Ana there to make me feel beautiful and secure, even if she wasn't in town all the time. I was lucky to find someone that special, who traveled between our two cities all on a regular basis. I was also lucky to have Marg in my life, and I thought of her great accomplishments frequently.
Marg had been a psychiatrist and counselor to many women over the years, who felt crushed and depressed by their self image. Halfway through her career, she wrote a book helping these woman realize that it was usually the very thing they hated about themselves that made them special and unique. Her lifelong work helped thousands of women free themselves and take back control of their lives. There were records of amazing progress made in some cases. Many of these woman went on to define the broad spectrum of beauty in our culture. Marg had been retired now for almost twenty years, but was still helping people like me.
I sat for hours in her old attic reading the case studies of people who had a terrible fear of the public perception of them and their looks. The more I read, the more I felt resentment to all the close minded people in society that fueled this false pretense of what was beautiful, and what was not. I was absolutely determined after that day to take the experiences of theses tortured women before me and make them proud of their legacy. I was going to change things, and I was going to find others with the same problem, to continue Marg's work as best I could!
I knew that I was going to be fine from then on. I spent most of my evenings exploring what I felt inside. I no longer felt confined to the roles of society. I was nearing the point of totally thinking for myself, and disregarding everyone else who didn't relate. My hair was shorter now, my wardrobe was a lot more interesting, and the fire that burned inside of me to continue on my path, was getting larger every day. I was starting to become a complete person.
I put away the files I had reviewed, in the same order I found them. Just then, something caught my eye. I wondered if it was the faded color of the next file, or something trivial, like the lock on the filing cabinet. My second glance focused my attention. The name on the file had been written a long time ago, and with three letters.......Ana.
(Present Day)
I went back to see Dr. Spencer, and his staff for the last time, or so I thought. I was fitted with top and bottom retainers to hold my teeth in place for the rest of my life. They all seemed pleased with their work, ignorant to the fact that I was dying inside. The retainers were interesting, but not half as interesting as braces were. Not even close. I wore them a few times, and then left them collecting dust on my night stand. I found myself walking around lost again, among the people of the world.
They still remained distant, and uninteresting to me. The change had already taken place deep inside me. I would always be different than they were. I never felt depressed any more, just pity for them. They would probably go their entire lives, without ever experiencing what I had in the last two years. I didn't care what they felt anymore. In fact, I was beginning to ignore them completely.
I had managed to steal the second half of the epoxy that I wanted. I didn't really like stealing from them, but it couldn't be helped. I had to have my braces back. The real question was how to properly get them back on my teeth. As confident as I was about being able to do it myself, I knew that it was harder than it looked. I spent a whole month wondering how it could be done. I even called Ana, who was busy traveling all over the place. She was sympathetic, but couldn't offer very much practical advice on home orthodontics. I understood, but became equally frustrated, and determined at the same time. I decided to wait until after my check up with the good doctor. His office had called, wanting to see me for a follow up to my treatment. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to watch him working. It struck me as odd, that I had never really paid attention, when it came to applying the brackets. I'd been in and out of his office many times, and not once did I take the time to observe what I now needed to know.
..................................
It felt like a lifetime later that I walked back into the office of Dr. Spencer. Retainers in hand, I sat down in my favorite chair. A few minutes later, a busied doctor came hustling into the room. He asked me how I was, and commented on some staff changes around the office. He left a few minutes later explaining that his nurse was going to x-ray my mouth again for the records. I agreed, and they were done within no time at all. I waited for the results patiently, staring at every drawer and tray in my view. I thought of all the patients in the waiting room, and wondered if any would feel like I did, when they were done. Deep down I hoped there was at least one other person like me out there in the world. I couldn't be alone, I couldn't be the only one to experience the butterflies.
Then it happened, almost in slow motion. I could feel it with every step that Dr. Spencer took towards me. I knew something was going to happen. It was so powerful, I sometimes wonder if I didn't wish it into reality.
"Lara, I'd like to speak with you a moment"
"OK, what's up" my heart squeezing in my chest.
"There's been a little movement with your teeth, have you noticed it at all"
"Not really, how much?"{ The sound of those words.......promising the world}
"Well, it's not that bad really, but I expected the night time retainers would hold everything together better. Have you been wearing them all the time"
"Pretty much, yeah"
"Well this worries me. Usually in adult patients there is a higher tendency for the teeth to revert to their previous position, like we've talked about. Unfortunately in your case, there is a little more movement than expected."
" I see" say it!, my mind was screaming.
" There are certain measures we can take. I don't want to think that you went all through this trouble for nothing. It just that you have certain decisions to make now".
"OK, like what" I barely managed to choke out.
"Well, we can fix you up with a different kind of retainer for when you sleep, or we can stop the movement where it is, by installing small wires on the back of your teeth. I want to try to avoid the third option, as much as possible."
"What's that" {my throat is dry, I can barely speak}
" That would be putting the braces back on, just until we're sure they'll stay put. Normally that's the last option, so don't worry, I'll do everything to avoid that for you"
"Oh, I see" {open your damn mouth......now!}
"I don't mind going a little longer with them"
"That's good to know Lara, I wish everyone had your attitude" he said smiling
"Actually, I would prefer that to the other stuff, I mean everyone's used to me in braces anyway"
"I see, but I know that you have been through a lot. Why don't you think about it for a week or so"
"Trust me doctor, I don't mind. I'll deal with it"
"OK Lara, if you're sure. That would be the most effective solution. I just don't want you to hate me, if you know what I mean"
"I know, don't worry, I understand" {yes, yes, yes}
"Great, when can you come back"
"You mean, I have to come back" {Stop it, you sound desperate}
"Well I thought I'd give you a little more time to enjoy new smile, before I go and cover it again"
"Hey, I'm tough. If you have time, then so do I" {Oh God please......please}
"Sure Lara.....are you certain"
